No Coincidences

My fave picture of us, Hog & Hominy, October 2013

Today marks 4 years since my boyfriend, Michael, was tragically killed in a crash with tractor trailer in Memphis. This day is always so hard, and grief is one of those places where time is fluid - it seems like forever ago, but also feels like yesterday. The days, weeks and months following are mostly a blur, I have very few memories from the entire first year, which is probably for the best. Most people were kind, some were cruel and nobody really knew what to do with the mess I was. What I know now, is that I miss him every. single. day. but his memory lives on among all of us who loved him and he is always showing us how he is still with us. And since that day, he has set into motion so many things in my life that have brought me to this point. 

The biggest lesson I've learned, is that there are no coincidences. The universe, God and all of it swirl around us to create the exact moments that we need every single day. To drown us in darkness, so we can fight for the light, to destroy us, so we can come back stronger, and to break our hearts, so we can love better and become kinder, more empathetic humans. Along the way, we learn to love ourselves - with all the flaws, quirks and cracks - a little bit more. We don't get to understand the how and why, we just believe. 

With fellow Truck Safety Coalition volunteers + Harry on Capitol Hill fighting for the safety regulations & technology to prevent the crashes that killed our loved ones.

I started chemo on September 21, 2018 - your 37th birthday and I'm heading into my last round of chemo this week - four years after you died. There are no coincidences. You couldn't be here to tease me mercilessly, cook amazing meals and then fall asleep during every movie, but you're right here with me through every step and I'm grateful I know that.

Without November 18, 2014, my anxiety and depression would have gone undiagnosed and my inner strength wouldn't be Hulk-sized to allow me to fight this cancer. I would not have formed such strong bonds with some truly amazing people who have been my rocks - especially your mom - who is a dear friend, the mother-in-law I always wanted, and one of the main reasons I have kept 85-90% of my hair when I should be 100% bald. She is a cold-capping pro and one of the strongest women I've ever met. 

Soul Burger @ Earnestine & Hazel's in your honor

Because you loved me, I felt, for the first time in a relationship, that I was accepted and loved for exactly who I was - grizzly bear or dancing queen, laughs and tears, the Vol to your Tiger - and everything in between. Thank you, Michael, for everything you did for me and continue to do. I hope you and Russell George are thick as thieves and he is cooking soul burgers for you until you pass out. I love you.

Love & Light,
Ashley

For the Love of October and Naps

Strolling into Round 3 with Madesyn, Lialah and my ban.do glitter sunglasses!

Round 2? Check. 35th Birthday? Check. Race for the Cure? Check. Round 3? Check. 

The past couple weeks have been rough, y'all. I've been sleeping a lot which makes it harder to keep you updated here, so forgive me for the long breaks between updates. Every week has been a new experience for me in terms of physical and mental side effects. Exhaustion, memory issues/brain fog, stiff & painful joints, back pain/sciatica, dry mouth, effed up taste buds and cancer anxiety. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, not even an Alabama fan. 

When your head is -35 Celsius...

TBH, the most difficult side effect for me to cope with has been cancer anxiety. "Should I have a bilateral mastectomy to reduce my risk of recurrence?" or "is that scar tissue or another tumor?" and my favorite "is 4 rounds enough to kill any remaining cancer in my body?" are all swirling in my head lately. Mentally, I was in the best place I've been in 4 years before I received this diagnosis and I've become much more open about my struggles with anxiety over the last year as I come into an understanding of how to manage my version of the disease. Cancer anxiety is a whole different beast that I’ll have to manage for the rest of my life. Just give me all the types of anxiety, universe!

With all of these side effects starting to accumulate, my spirit has been a little down lately. I’m pushing through it with my usual determination and sarcasm, seeing my therapist regularly, going to work every day, napping often and relying heavily on detailed notes and the reminders app on my phone. I would be so lost without my creature comforts and technology. Some of the best medicine I've received are the cards, care packages, texts and out-of-town visitors that have made me feel so loved and uplifted (shoutout to Jessye, Julie, Madesyn and Katie)!

I can't thank these people (& some not pictured) 
for their support at RFTC!

Race for the Cure has also been an extra source of joy and fun to keep me going. The race itself was 10/27. We had an almost 40-person team and to date our team has raised over $7k (fundraising ends 11/15, so hopefully we’ll get closer to $8k!). I’m grateful for such a powerful experience with Race for the Cure this year. The generosity of all of you, the joyful atmosphere of the race, my brother running the 5k in his T-Rex costume, seeing KD sisters I haven't seen in years (thank you Lindsey and Jennifer!) and just a really beautiful day with everyone. It was overwhelming, exciting, humbling and eye-opening to see how many people’s lives have been touched by breast cancer. 

At the starting line with T-Rex

I soaked it in and enjoyed every second with my friends and family, but my thoughts were never far from a friend and KD sister who bravely fought breast cancer and left us in February 2017. Brooxie, I have kept you close to my heart, but you have been so close these past few months and I so wish I had your smile and wisdom to help me navigate through some of this. The strength and grace you showed throughout your breast cancer fight has been an inspiration for me.  


I’m exhausted, but fighting and trying to live as much of my normal life as possible. My friends and family did a great job of helping me celebrate my birthday in all the best ways - sushi, Starbucks, burgers, cheese boards and Restaurant Iris (the new menu is killer, just GO)! Thank you so much for all the love, prayers and support. I've got one more round of chemo before I head to radiation, so keep 'em coming!

Love and light, 
Ashley

How I feel after I take the last cap off...

So This is Chemo...

I've written and rewritten this post a hundred times in the past three weeks, because sometimes I know exactly what to say and other times, chemo brain takes over and I'm at a loss for words. 

Arriving for 1st round of chemo. "What Would Dolly Do?"

My first chemo infusion was September 21st, 2018 and it’s been a weird, exhausting ride so far. The constant fatigue can be a real bummer, as I'm so used to being able to do everything on my own. The independent soul in me is reluctant to ask for help when I need it, but I'm grateful for friends who bring me antacids and prosciutto when I need heartburn relief and a well-curated cheese board and family who help me get house projects done. (Buy a fixer upper they said, it'll be fun they said...) 

Laurie prepping my scalp for cold capping

But there's always a bright side... I still have a full head of hair! Cold capping has been successful so far and I have been EXTREMELY dedicated to the regimen in between infusions. I'm also very grateful to only experience minimal side effects from chemo, like mild heartburn, headaches and dry mouth, so I'm poppin' Tums and going to work every day and resting at night and on the weekends. 

Cold capping is not for the faint of heart. Keeping my scalp at -35 degrees Celsius for 8 hours brings out my inner Elsa while I'm covered in 4 blankets. I'm silently singing "the cold never bothered me anyway" in my best inner Elsa voice while looking like one of Frenchy's backup singers in "Beauty School Dropout". I've carried the nickname Ice Queen for almost 20 years, so this is me living the ice queen dream.

In those 8 hours you're living in 15-20 minute increments, where your amazing family and friends wrestle a cooler full of dry ice, remove one cap to replace it with another and strap the whole thing back down on your head at a record rate of speed. If you're lucky, like me, you have an allergic reaction to Taxol (the first of two chemo drugs I receive during infusion) and they give you IV Benadryl. That means you don't care about the icicles in your hair, the muffled hearing because your ears are wrapped to prevent frostbite, or the drip from the IV bag hanging right above your head. You just pass out and miss the students from St. George's who come around to pass out chocolate chip cookies and cute little crosses. Don't worry y'all, my dad saved the cross for me.
  

Elsa meets Frenchy's backup singer.. 

Once infusion is done, we play this really fun game of timing a cap change to coincide with the drive home. Four more hours of cold capping before I can thaw out. When the icicles melt out of my hair, I head to bed. Sleep is a refuge of weird dreams and cold sweats. Ice dreams?

After reading this, you're probably thinking I've gone off the deep end. WHY would I freeze my scalp to keep my hair? Hair grows back, right? Shouldn't I be more worried about cancer? For me, it was an easy choice. Try an effective therapy, protect my mental well-being, and retain some small sense of normalcy. I've worked for nearly 4 years to heal and find a balance with my anxiety and depression. Cold capping is a part of that work. It gives me a voice and a story to tell other young cancer patients. Cancer doesn't always mean bald. Scarves, wigs, or keeping your hair... You have so many options!

I'm 3 weeks into chemo, I've got 9+ weeks to go, 3 more chemo/cold capping sessions, and only 14 hair washes. That's right, 14 hair washes using a chemical-free shampoo and conditioner. I told y'all, cold capping is not for the faint of heart. And it's not for people who wash their hair everyday. God bless dry shampoo and my amazing co-workers who got me a set of mini dry shampoos to experiment with. 

Overall, I'm doing well. I'm slowly adjusting and listening to my body when it needs to rest. I'm eating well and trying to drink as much water as possible. I'm snuggling with my dogs and finding a sense of appreciation for all of the little things, the texts, calls, flowers, care packages, jokes and laughter, they mean more than you know. It makes it all feel less lonely, less uncomfortable and less anxious. Keep 'em coming. 

Celebrating Michael's birthday at infusion with Gibson's!

I'm heading into Round 2 of chemo today with great results from my recent labs and checkup with Dr. Somer, which gives me a cautious hope for continued success. And it's October, the best month, not just for breast cancer awareness, but for fall and football and birthdays and Halloween! And seriously, a huge THANK YOU to all of you who have joined Ash's Tenacious D's or donated to our team. I cannot believe we have raised over $7,000 in such a short amount of time. Your generosity is too much and will make an impact in the local Memphis community. 

Love and Light, 
Ashley

Three Little Words

Looking out to the Pacific Ocean from Terranea, where this all started. 

I have cancer. 

Three words I didn't expect to come out of my mouth at 34 years old. 

But here I am. I have breast cancer. 

SO. MANY. QUESTIONS. 

What?! How? Why? When? 

SO. MANY. EMOTIONS. 

Shock. Sadness. Anger. Denial. Fear. 

I was diagnosed with Stage 2A, Grade 3, Triple Negative, Invasive Ductal Carcinoma (IDC) in August 2018 and underwent a partial mastectomy (AKA lumpectomy). I have no lymph node involvement (YAY!) and the tumor was removed with clear margins (YAYAY!).

Its been a whirlwind, everything changed in a matter of days and weeks. The unknown has become normal and the fear of it, too. What hasn't changed is the love and support all of my friends and family have given me during this time. I knew I had surrounded myself with amazing, kind, loving people and they have stepped up and been there for me through everything. 

The one thing I hear over and over is how surprising it is that I've been SO positive and strong throughout this ordeal. I laugh it off because what other choice do I have? When you're faced with something like this, the only way you survive is to be positive, think beyond the bad news, think about what you really want from this, what will make you happy. And what I want is to be healthy, cancer-free and back to a place where I can enjoy my life. After a years-long battle with anxiety, depression and traumatic loss, I am REALLY proud of the work I've put in with my therapist (love you, Chris!) to get to a point where I can be this strong to fight and this positive to live happily in the middle of chaos. I have a newfound peace and understanding that has been a great source of strength.

Cancer is just an obstacle. It's totally doable and I've got this!

I start chemo tomorrow, Friday, September 21, 2018. A date that already has so much significance to me. It's not lost on me that it's Michael's 37th birthday, it's more confirmation that I have a pretty fierce guardian angel on my side. I'm fortunate to only need four rounds of a TC protocol, before starting radiation. And I was able to secure cold cap therapy to (hopefully) save the majority of my hair. I hope you'll follow along as I tell my story. 

If you want to read all the gory details, check out My Cancer Story. 

If you don't self-examine your body monthly, or if you haven't had a mammogram, colonoscopy or other cancer screenings in the last year, let me be the inspiration for you to get that done. I found my own tumor and it saved my life!

To pay it forward, my friends have started a Race for the Cure team, Ash's Tenacious D's, that will participate in the Race for the Cure on October 27, 2018 at Autozone Park in Memphis. I'll be walking the 1-miler, plenty will be running the 5K. Join our team, donate to our team, or just send positive vibes our way. We want to make sure the research continues for the future generations to have even more options to fight. 

Love and Light,
Ashley