No Coincidences

My fave picture of us, Hog & Hominy, October 2013

Today marks 4 years since my boyfriend, Michael, was tragically killed in a crash with tractor trailer in Memphis. This day is always so hard, and grief is one of those places where time is fluid - it seems like forever ago, but also feels like yesterday. The days, weeks and months following are mostly a blur, I have very few memories from the entire first year, which is probably for the best. Most people were kind, some were cruel and nobody really knew what to do with the mess I was. What I know now, is that I miss him every. single. day. but his memory lives on among all of us who loved him and he is always showing us how he is still with us. And since that day, he has set into motion so many things in my life that have brought me to this point. 

The biggest lesson I've learned, is that there are no coincidences. The universe, God and all of it swirl around us to create the exact moments that we need every single day. To drown us in darkness, so we can fight for the light, to destroy us, so we can come back stronger, and to break our hearts, so we can love better and become kinder, more empathetic humans. Along the way, we learn to love ourselves - with all the flaws, quirks and cracks - a little bit more. We don't get to understand the how and why, we just believe. 

With fellow Truck Safety Coalition volunteers + Harry on Capitol Hill fighting for the safety regulations & technology to prevent the crashes that killed our loved ones.

I started chemo on September 21, 2018 - your 37th birthday and I'm heading into my last round of chemo this week - four years after you died. There are no coincidences. You couldn't be here to tease me mercilessly, cook amazing meals and then fall asleep during every movie, but you're right here with me through every step and I'm grateful I know that.

Without November 18, 2014, my anxiety and depression would have gone undiagnosed and my inner strength wouldn't be Hulk-sized to allow me to fight this cancer. I would not have formed such strong bonds with some truly amazing people who have been my rocks - especially your mom - who is a dear friend, the mother-in-law I always wanted, and one of the main reasons I have kept 85-90% of my hair when I should be 100% bald. She is a cold-capping pro and one of the strongest women I've ever met. 

Soul Burger @ Earnestine & Hazel's in your honor

Because you loved me, I felt, for the first time in a relationship, that I was accepted and loved for exactly who I was - grizzly bear or dancing queen, laughs and tears, the Vol to your Tiger - and everything in between. Thank you, Michael, for everything you did for me and continue to do. I hope you and Russell George are thick as thieves and he is cooking soul burgers for you until you pass out. I love you.

Love & Light,
Ashley

For the Love of October and Naps

Strolling into Round 3 with Madesyn, Lialah and my ban.do glitter sunglasses!

Round 2? Check. 35th Birthday? Check. Race for the Cure? Check. Round 3? Check. 

The past couple weeks have been rough, y'all. I've been sleeping a lot which makes it harder to keep you updated here, so forgive me for the long breaks between updates. Every week has been a new experience for me in terms of physical and mental side effects. Exhaustion, memory issues/brain fog, stiff & painful joints, back pain/sciatica, dry mouth, effed up taste buds and cancer anxiety. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, not even an Alabama fan. 

When your head is -35 Celsius...

TBH, the most difficult side effect for me to cope with has been cancer anxiety. "Should I have a bilateral mastectomy to reduce my risk of recurrence?" or "is that scar tissue or another tumor?" and my favorite "is 4 rounds enough to kill any remaining cancer in my body?" are all swirling in my head lately. Mentally, I was in the best place I've been in 4 years before I received this diagnosis and I've become much more open about my struggles with anxiety over the last year as I come into an understanding of how to manage my version of the disease. Cancer anxiety is a whole different beast that I’ll have to manage for the rest of my life. Just give me all the types of anxiety, universe!

With all of these side effects starting to accumulate, my spirit has been a little down lately. I’m pushing through it with my usual determination and sarcasm, seeing my therapist regularly, going to work every day, napping often and relying heavily on detailed notes and the reminders app on my phone. I would be so lost without my creature comforts and technology. Some of the best medicine I've received are the cards, care packages, texts and out-of-town visitors that have made me feel so loved and uplifted (shoutout to Jessye, Julie, Madesyn and Katie)!

I can't thank these people (& some not pictured) 
for their support at RFTC!

Race for the Cure has also been an extra source of joy and fun to keep me going. The race itself was 10/27. We had an almost 40-person team and to date our team has raised over $7k (fundraising ends 11/15, so hopefully we’ll get closer to $8k!). I’m grateful for such a powerful experience with Race for the Cure this year. The generosity of all of you, the joyful atmosphere of the race, my brother running the 5k in his T-Rex costume, seeing KD sisters I haven't seen in years (thank you Lindsey and Jennifer!) and just a really beautiful day with everyone. It was overwhelming, exciting, humbling and eye-opening to see how many people’s lives have been touched by breast cancer. 

At the starting line with T-Rex

I soaked it in and enjoyed every second with my friends and family, but my thoughts were never far from a friend and KD sister who bravely fought breast cancer and left us in February 2017. Brooxie, I have kept you close to my heart, but you have been so close these past few months and I so wish I had your smile and wisdom to help me navigate through some of this. The strength and grace you showed throughout your breast cancer fight has been an inspiration for me.  


I’m exhausted, but fighting and trying to live as much of my normal life as possible. My friends and family did a great job of helping me celebrate my birthday in all the best ways - sushi, Starbucks, burgers, cheese boards and Restaurant Iris (the new menu is killer, just GO)! Thank you so much for all the love, prayers and support. I've got one more round of chemo before I head to radiation, so keep 'em coming!

Love and light, 
Ashley

How I feel after I take the last cap off...